Keeping Romance Alive in California

20 Oct

If you are a college student in California, a new “Yes Means Yes” law requires that you obtain “affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement” from a prospective sexual partner.  Implied consent, the absence of a “no” or the fact that she is making bedroom eyes at you will no longer be sufficient, and reliance on such outmoded  indications that she is in the mood for love could land you in big trouble.

While the intention of the new legislation is admirable, it seems likely to have a chilling effect on campus frolics and deprive many amorous young ladies of romance, as potential suitors, fearful of the prospect of having to provide definitive proof of consent, are scared to come within ten yards of them. Those who are bold enough to overcome that fear may well stumble over how exactly to obtain consent that will stand up in any disciplinary proceedings if things turn sour.

That’s where I come in, Anxious to keep romance alive, I am providing to the college gals of California, free of charge, this handy Coital Consent Form. No need for awkward or embarrassing conversations with this little beauty in your purse. Just place it on the bar as you leave to powder your nose. By the time you come back, he should just about have it completed.

 

State of California Coital Consent Form

Thank you for your interest in having coitus with me. So that I may properly process your application, please answer the following questions accurately and completely.

1. Name:
please provide two forms of ID. Acceptable documents include passport, government issued driver’s license; cellphone junk shots are not considered acceptable.

2. Address:

3. Age:
Must be over 18 and below 26 years old (but see 5 below)

4. Race:
I am an equal opportunity sexual partner.

5. Income:
(a) Tips from part-time job at off-campus pizza joint
(b) Less than $10,000 p.a.
(c) $10,000 to $50,000
(d) $50,000 to $100,000
(e) Over $100,000
(f) Don’t know. I just get these regular checks from my trust fund
Note: if you answered (e) or (f), please disregard question 3. Actually, you can disregard all the other questions too.

6. Star Sign.
If you are a Sagittarius, I’m sorry, but you are ineligible to have sexual relations with me.

7. Please attach two references from recent sexual partners.

8. If unable to provide references, please state reason. (Check one box only)
(a) My previous sexual partners think I am a creep and want nothing to do with me.
(b) This is kind of embarrassing, but, well, you’ll be my first.
Note: answering (b) does not result in automatic disqualification. I might find it sweet.
(c) I can’t remember the names of my previous sexual partners.
(d) My previous sexual partners are members of congress and revealing their names could be very dangerous for me. Haven’t you see House of Cards?

9. I have checked my schedule for tomorrow and have no urgent appointments or commitments that will necessitate me sneaking out before you are awake.

10. Check any of the following statements which you like to apply to me in furtherance of your application:
(a) I think you are pretty and would really like to know you better.
(b) I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart.
(c) Didn’t we take a class together? I could have sworn we had chemistry.
(d) If you were a booger I’d pick you first.
(e) I’m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I’m Batman!

11. Are you now or have you ever been someone who farts in bed.

12. In not more than 200 words, describe why you think you would be a suitable sexual partner for someone as wonderful as me.
Write quickly – you only have until I get back from the restroom.

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